Lil Bandit, I'm Coming for You
by Lu Baihu
Summary: Lil Bandit's been impounded (after episode 5F06), and Snake wants Her back . . .
1. Default Chapter Title

Lil Bandit, I'm Coming for You DISCLAIMER: Lil Bandit, Snake, and other Simpsons characters belong to Fox Entertainment so please don't take action against me. SYNOPSIS Oh yeah, this immediately follows episode 5F06, a day after. Warning: minor profanity. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Snake was feeling miserable, not to mention hurt, as he lay on his cot. That bald son of a bitch was driving HIS car. And he had given Her REGULAR. She NEEDED premium. Snake always gave Her premium every trip. He couldn't believe his luck. And he was still in stitches, after that jerk had driven her into the Murder House. True, he liked some demolition and the wreckage would have made him cheer but seeing Her overturned had squashed any jubilation he might have had then. He could see it all: the roar of Her engine, the grinding of Her pistons, his screams of agony as he watched that unshaven bastard forcefeed Her with regular gasoline . . . how horrible! Snake was wracked with sorrow, wondering. 'How can he do this? Why? Oh god . . .' He was sobbing. He usually wasn't so weak, but then again he hadn't faced this. Meanwhile, Sideshow Bob stood alongside him. Snake could understand how Bob wouldn't talk to him. He had been lonely ever since his own brother had betrayed him. Then he got back to his sobbing. "Oh, Lil Bandit . . ." "You can stop your weeping for now. She was sent to the impound yard yesterday and into the maximum-protection section." Snake looked up, surprised. "You mean . . . that bastard can't touch Her?" "Unfortunately, Homer Simpson gave the Chief a donut and she's getting forcefed all over again ever since this morning." Soon enough inmates filed complaints about excessive noise from Bob/Snake's cell. Typical of the bureaucracy, these complaints went uninvestigated, as Chief Wiggums was too busy with his donuts to care. Same with the other men in blue. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

The dark figure hid behind the dumpster, an H&K USP Expert in his hand. As it turned out, Sideshow Bob had planned on escaping to take revenge on Bart. When the other prisoners heard why Snake had been 'disruptive,' they pitched in with their bail money to have the warden 'absent at work.' It was a clean getaway, then Sideshow Bob and his cellmate parted ways. Normally Snake have laughed at the ease with which he busted out, but he remembered his goal, and tightened his grip on the trigger ever so more. 'I WILL get you back. Lil Bandit, I'm coming for you.' 


	2. Default Chapter Title

Lil Bandit, I'm Gonna Save You DISCLAIMER: Snake, Lil Bandit, the Simpsons, etc are from 20th Century Fox TV. There, I said it! SYNOPSIS: Snake's outta jail, and he's pissed! But he ain't in this alone . . . Rating: PG-13 (Language, repeated attempted murder/assault/battery) SELF-INSERTION WARNING! SELF-INSERTION WARNING! SELF-INSERTION WARNING! (Sort of. I'll explain.) 'x'= Thought or euphemium (whatever. i.e. privy/outhouse = outdoor toilet) _x_= Exclamation/emphasis ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "HmHmHmHmHmHm . . ." Homer was driving that 60s hot-rod he'd gotten from that auction. Marge had just gotten fired from her real estate job. Bart had gotten caught dumping chopped frogs into the school's meat supply, and Lisa had gone up to bed sobbing after getting a B. Still, life was good. Then, a figure jumped from the bushes with a knife! The same guy who'd already ambushed him once and caused him to drive into the Murder House! "Waaaugghh!" "That's my car!" "Never!" "Aaauuggh!" Immediately the perp slashed downward with the Bowie. Homer barely dodged it, considering his size. He then wound up and popped the punk in his side with a right hook. "You little bastard!" Then, he rolled over into the back seat. This time however, he remembered to hit the brakes first, but not before he plowed into an open field on some back road and got some cows scared. "You little mothaf**k! I wanna--" "My mama was a saint!" Homer was really burning up. He abhorred comments about his mom, even if she had been a perp herself 25 years before. Now, he arched his back to avoid a sideways stab and wound an arm across the jackass' neck, the other looping around his arm, in a sleeper hold of sorts. His head was quick enough to avoid the guy's upward stabs. Unfortunately, he'd forgotten about his arms, & the tatooed guy immediately jabbed his hands! "Aaauuugggh!" Now Homer rolled back into the driver's seat. As Snake brought the knife crashing down n an overhead arc, Homer gripped Snake's hands with his own bleeding ones, but accidentally hit th gas. Soon enough, he went off road . . . ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Snake was now out in the b-ball yard, pissed. When he and that . . . f**ker had crashed into the barn, Chief Wiggums had been driving by and put him back in The Pen. Worse, erstwhile cellmate Sideshow Bob was still out, so he wouldn't have any buddies to help him get Her back. Crap. Even the adrenaline from basketball play wouldn't do sh*t for him. "So, you wish to escape." "Who the hellar you?!" He turned around. That voice seemed so . . . calming . . . "It's me, it's me, it's da E-D-W-A-R-DEE!!" That voice immediately lost its calm. "I didn't know th--" "It doesn't matter if ya didn't know! It's Ed. Ed Yang." It was some Chinese kid in the stands, only 18 by his looks, . "In for attempted murder, porn dealing, and extortion." "Snake, in for attempted murder and carjacking. The bastard who stole my car . . ." "The bastard who found me out . . ." Snake could tell the anger in his voice, though the 'inscrutable Oriental' had practiced hiding his emotions when around others. " The guy's Homer J. Simpson. Nuclear power plant worker, . Not to mention a unshaven, fatass chrome-dome husband and father of three. . ." Snake immediately felt the rage of recognition seep in. "He's the bastard! And how do ya know that anyway?" He would have crushed the basketball in his hands, had Ed not told him, "Let us go in. This isn't safe for mentioning it. Even though my base is back in NYC." Instead, he just bounced it so hard onto the concrete, it bounced up and knocked some other 'vict out, as he ran inside. Once inside, and in a deserted corridor, Ed talked, with some exhaustion in his voice as he remembered better times. "My extortion and hacking got me some power on the streets 'n nobody knew. Til now. And I got busted at age 15. For the porn dealing." "Age 15?! Ho ho, little man, you got mad guts!" Who was this kid, to have gotten big time for THAT? Then he mentioned his story. "City's generic crook. In the book, I've been charged. The only reason I got past my last rap was coz my 'cycle helped against Mr. Burns' sunblocker. After, I got returned here and they sold . . . Her." Amazingly, the kid put his hand on his shoulder, as if to console him. "I know about it. 'puter got confiscated after the bust. Was my REAL base, and I been years since without it. Also confiscated three antique swords I 'picked up' in my work. What's more, they were put up for sale, so they could be anywhere by now. If only HE hadn't stumbled onto my site and played goody two-shoes . . ." Then he got serious. "Listen here. We know what we want. Homer Simpson. We ride into town, do as needed, but we will find him. And then, we get back what is rightfully ours. OK?" Ed put out his hand, as to forge an alliance. "I want my weaponry back to start over. You want your car. Let's do it?" Snake thought about it. 'Do I trust a guy who might turn on me in a second?' Then he saw the look on the kid's face. It was the look of a weary adult in a teen's body. The kid had spent the last three years behind bars when he should have been dating girls. And he saw something else in those brown eyes. Ed wasn't the kind where his 'friends' were second to revenge. He saw that this kid would NOT turn his back on him. "WE do it." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An hour later, snake and Ed were striking up a conversation, having escaped the city's Pentitentiary in record time (1 minute). Though The Pen used the latest lockdown technology, Ed had spent years hiding secret gadgets for a breakout. They had worked perfectly, and Snake was amazed at their speedy escape. None of his escapes had ever been that quick, though all had been just as easy as this one. The duo were driving around in a '99 Millenium Mazda Miata, 'gotten' from some dumbass tavern owner named Moe. Snake was driving, and Ed was handling the technical side of it, looking up SCPD sales over the past 3 years. Years ago, the SCPD had decided to put up confiscated items for sale to get quick cash, and actually kept a record of each. Soon enough, he had found his swords. "Delivery today, to 723 Evergreen Terrace. What the hell doya know, it's the Simpsons residence." As for Lil Bandit, that was harder to find. Snake had never thought that She might be forced from him, so he hadn't gotten a tracker to find her. What was more, the SCPD's databases had been infected by some virus, and confiscated-car sales were wiped out. In short, he was in hard luck. However, he knew that Homer Simpson had two cars: his regular and Her. As Ed's swords had been sent to the Simpsons place, he could always . . . stop by. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Lisa was anxiously waiting at the door. The SCPD had put up confiscated items for sale, including three ancient Asian swords. Though they had cost half her college fund, she took them, and was waiting for them to arrive. History had always been her favorite subject, next to music. The doorbell rang. She leaped off the couch and immediately ran to the door, flinging it open with abandon. Officer Eddie was there, with something in a long brown box. "Three confiscated Asian swords for a . . . Uosdwis Asil?" "Uh, you're reading that upside down. It's Lisa Simpson. It's prepaid." She then snatche the package and ran into the living room, ripping off the cover while taking _slightly_ better care of the contents. Carefully removing the packing fibers, she beheld three beautifully forged swords, two Japanese and one Chinese. "Incredible . . ." Lisa was amazed. She was lucky that the SCPD had not bungled the delivery or ruined the quality of the swords, as other 'delivery services' were known to, giving you no bang for your buck. She was so lu-- "Yo, Lis, they got some new Krusty Burger sweepstakes down at the Kwik-E-Mart! We gotta sign up before it sells out!" "Coming!" Forgetting the swords in an instant, she ran out the door, leaving the blades in a pile in the living room. This was her big mistake. And it would cost her half her college account. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The entrance had been easy. Wait til everyone left, sneak up into the boy's treehouse, slide to the window,and use a glasscutter. Soon enough, they were in the top floor, when Ed began giving orders like an Army general. "Sweep to each room, and make a quick check. Put everything back, except loose cash. We may need it to . . . restart our operations" Snake was amazed. This kid was like a mafioso, but without the superego. He was more efficient, caring only for what they could take. In only five minutes, Snake and Ed had covered both floors. "My swords." Snake looked them over. Two of the swords were Japanese, by the look. One was about five feet long (katana), the other about four feet (wakizashi). The other sword was a Chinese longsword, with a straight blade as long as the katana. Then he saw, amazingly enough, that a 1999 Tactical Glock Model 34, with the usual featureless slide (except serrations) and a M3Tactical Illuminator clipped under the muzzle, had been stashed away in the box. Whether or not it had been misplaced, Ed took it. And fully loaded, too! With yellow-jacket shot! But not Lil Bandit, they hadn't found Her yet. "I have an idea, Snake." "Huh?" "Found a note on the dinner table. Homer went out to Moe's Tavern, and leaves at 1:00. We got half an hour to stop him. I also found the keys for his pink Plymouth. In short: jump in and let's get Her." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ In 15 minutes, they had parked outside the tavern, and found Her. Snake was giddy, at this renunion of sorts, and woulda acted a schoolgirl had Ed not reminded him of their mission. "Second a fat-ass bastard in white and blue leaves, hit the gas at 5 mph." So, they waited. And waited. And waited. Finally, they saw the door swing, opened by a pot-belly in blue and white. Ed then screamed, to agitate Homer, "Hey fat-ass, we got his car back!" "Why, you little . . ." Immediately, Homer jumped onto the trunk, leaving a muddy smear in the metal. Snake was pissed. "Arrgghh!" However, it was Ed who tackled Homer with a spear as he leapt for the front seat. Soon enough, both he and Snake were scoring hits, screaming as they went, accusing him of crimes he HAD commited. "You BASTARD!!! You cost me THREE years of my life! And for something I had quit doing!" "You BASTARD!!! You battered her, starved her, had her . . ." "WE'LL KILL YOU!!!!!!" After five minutes of punching, Snake drove Her to a back road near the Kwik-E-Mart, and hit the brakes. Ed hooked his arm around Homer's head, tugged on his belt, and flipped for a big superplex onto the cement, breaking some ribs. Immediately, Snake stopped the car and got out, aiding Ed with some low blows. Finally, Ed set Homer for another vertical suplex, but in mid-air jumped up and twisted, breaking some of Homer's lumbar vertebrae with a jackhammer powerslam as on pro-wrestling. However, Homer still had enough fight left in him to yell probably the most cliched joke Ed had ever heard. "Why do you wear a lifesaver?" That one REALLY had Ed boiled. Almost half of his attempted murder charges had been provoked by that same quote. In short: he had decided, at that moment, to really lose it. In a bloody heap, Homer could only sit and watch as Snake and Ed wound up, then charged at him. There would be no mercy . . . "AAAARRRRHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Snake and Ed yelled. Then Ed added, right before impact . . . "It's not a f--kin' lifesaver!!!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Snake now was making his final see-yas to Ed. They had what they wanted, and taken some revenge on Homer, landing him in the hospital for a month with their tandem superkick. They'd be checking back on each other in a few months, but til then, it was goodbye. Snake parked Her next to the Miata, on some back road in the middle of nowhere, with the drivers still amazed that the guy's head had stayed on. "Thanks for everything. And see ya!" Ed had jumped into the Miata they'd taken, and hit the gas. "Til then!" And he was off. Snake almost had tears in his eyes. Almost. But til they met again, he just needed to be by himself. And his car. "Lil Bandit, I told ya I'd save you. And I did." ~FIN~ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Explanation of Self-Insertion: Ed Yee is my real name. Then again, you gotta look through the millions . . . and millions . . . of guys wit dat name. Oh yeah, some of my personality. Ask me if you want a pic of Ed. That lil lifesaver is really a good luck ring, made out of jade. I should know, I actually wear one. 


End file.
